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The Best ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read, Week 3 Night 1: No One Likes A Virgin Pia Colada

Well, fam, we’re back for another week of ABC testing my limit for bullshit. Once again, I’ve wasted two hours of my life watching humanity test god’s wrath by getting wasted and starting fights on a beach and honestly it was lit. I feel like a lot happened this episode, but I also drank enough wine to make the episode feel like 30 minutes instead of the the usual 30 years these episodes tend to be paced at so I can’t really be trusted here. Whatever. I’ll quit with the pleasantries now and get right to the part about Jasmine and her choking fetish good shit. Shall we dive right in?

We’re five seconds into the episode and I already have no fucking clue what’s going on. Like, what is this demented game they’re playing? What that mouf do tho? Is that English? Are they really that illiterate or is Wells just trying to poison them with massive amounts of tequila? Either way, I’m v worried for them rn. They are trying to shove a live crab down Jack Stone’s throat. Like, where is production when an actual crime is going on??

Jack Stone is so in the friend zone it hurts. He’d willingly eat dog shit if it meant Alexis would accept his rose this week even though her options are literally accept a rose and show him a minimal amount of attention or leave a free Mexican vacation. Also, I love that this is where Jack Stone draws the line: at putting a live crab in his mouth. Something tells me that if he has an aversion for fishy things then he will not do well with these girls.

Okay, why is Jasmine so thirsty for Matt? Are we looking at the same human here? Also listening to Wells describe Jasmine’s choking fetish is making me remember why I love this show so much. What would a Monday be without someone’s sexual preferences being openly mocked on my television screen?

Christen walks into Paradise and makes the bold statement that we somehow remember her from Nick’s season as “the virgin.” Like, honey, I barely remember how to spell your name, much less that you only let guys put the the tip in your hymen is still intact. Though I do 100 percent remember that fugly cheetah print headband she wore all season. 

^#Neverforget

She immediately finds herself attracted to the adult penguin Matt… I mean wtf? It’s like Christen strategically picked a romantic entanglement that would get her more air time or something?

“No one likes a virgin piña colada” — Jasmine, after referring to herself as “the extra shot” in a relationship.

That’s the most relatable thing I’ve heard on this show all damn season.

Christen can’t stop talking about how attractive Matt is and I am shooketh. I mean are we not looking at the same Q shaped hairstyle here? Seriously, how much tequila has the cast had? Chris Harrison, stop falling down on the job!

CHRISTEN: I find you very good looking, Matt.

MATT:

ME: 

Matt honestly sounds like a prisoner of war rn. Like, he doesn’t want to tell Christen he’s available for the date but also he’s also like “please god someone save me from this woman who keeps trying to choke me.”

Matt sidles up to Jasmine to ask her permission to go on a date with another women. Lol good luck with that, kid. Honestly, Jasmine, you’re too pretty for this bullshit. Get you a man who’s not afraid to let you choke him. LET THE PENGUIN GO, GIRL.

MATT: Are you sure it’s okay for me to go on this date?

JASMINE: omg it’s so fine.

ALSO JASMINE: 

We finally arrive at the moment I’ve been waiting for all summer the past two weeks. ABC has teased the fuck out of this confrontation, and Jasmine is about to show ABC “some good TV.” *pours another glass of wine*

Jasmine goes to confront Christen and I drink every time she says the phrase “you are a little bitch.” I’ve never seen someone look terrified enough to shit their pants on national television like Christen does rn talking to Jasmine about her date with Matt. And, like, same. I’m terrified for you Christen. You in danger, girl. *sips wine*

Jasmine and Alexis proceed to bring out their Burn Book and make a new entry for Christen, the nastiest skank bitch they’v ever met. Everyone, do not trust her! She is such a fugly slut! The rest of the cast looks low-key terrified to say that actually maybe Christen isn’t that bad? Though Wells reenacting this drama should be the entire show. ABC, have your people call my 5-6 loyal readers people and we’ll set something up. 

Also I know we all hate Christen but she’s the only girl I’ve seen drink a beer this entire franchise so she can sit with me. Whatever.

Christen and Matt come back from their date and Jasmine immediately dry humps him. IN FRONT OF CHRISTEN. Like, Matt is still holding her hand and Jasmine is gyrating in between the two of them. I have seen actual animals be more subtle about marking their territory. It’s the most v unsettling to watch. *turns up the volume*

ELSEWHERE ON THE BEACH

Robby tries to woo over Amanda by putting on an extra layer of eyeliner and also setting the mood with glow sticks strewn about in a pool. Because nothing says romance like re-creating a “go hard or glow hard” themed frat party. Lol Robby you are so far away from the Florida coeds out of your wheelhouse with Amanda. She’s got kids somewhere being raised by someone for god’s sake—put the glow sticks away!

In a move no one could have predicted except for me and my alarmingly low glass of wine, the rest of the couples are starting to panic because there’s a rose ceremony coming up and they’ve all been too busy getting wasted by the pool to make actual connections with anyone. They’re all scrambling to have “the talk” with someone they shared a shot moment with and try to get a grip their romantic statuses.

We’ve got Sarah who is trying desperately to prove that she is cooler than Raven’s boob job. We also have Kristina, a survivor of Soviet Russia, getting fucked over by someone who goes by the name “Deanie Babies” on social media. Tbh, I’ve never felt more betrayed by a totally imagined and not at all real boyfriend. 

Then we have Taylor and Derek, who have momentarily separated from sucking face with each other to have a huge totally scripted argument. Taylor, acting like her usual annoying AF self, decides it’s time to shit on Derek for absolutely no reason. Derek throws out a casual “fuck you” because she is literally attacking his character to his damn face, and Taylor—a girl who got her MASTERS in emotional intelligence psychology—immediately breaks down like me at last call. Honestly this fight is so stupid, they’re acting like they’ve been dating for 30 years, not 3 days. Someone slap her please. 

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Adam is far too cocky for this rose ceremony. Like, just because two beautiful girls are into you does not mean it will stay that way once the tequila runs out. 

ADAM TO RAVEN: I don’t want you to worry about any other girls, even if I’m flirting with other people behind your back.

RAVEN: Um, I wasn’t. Have you looked at me?

Adam and Matt, you are not hot enough for these love triangles. Like, what is happening in Mexico rn? Wells, seriously, how much alcohol is in those drinks??

Dean is trying to have his cake and fuck Danielle too and it’s nauseating. I can’t even look at the screen without wanting to heavily drink.

Robby is so desperate for Amanda’s rose. Oh how the mighty very metrosexual have fallen. The glow sticks didn’t work so he tries to win her over by getting her kids flip flops that would better fit the foot of an MBA player than a toddler.

Okay, Taylor should be no one’s therapist. If you’re going to get personally offended every time everyone tells you to go fuck yourself then it’s going to be rough fucking road ahead for you, girlfriend.

DEREK: tbh you actually suck at this whole therapist thing

ME: 

Derek is listening to Taylor go on and on about verbal abuse and trigger words and, honestly, he has the patience of a saint. I do not for one second believe that this 23-year-old Instagram influencer has as much worldly experience as she claims to.

When she finally gets to the end of her monologue I’ve aged 5 years and Derek is just like, “I can’t tell you how much I want to be on your team.”…Wait a minute, is he quoting Lorde?? Did that just happen? Also, Taylor, I cannot take you and your trigger words seriously when I can see your labia every time you cross your legs in that dress.

Elsewhere, Christen pulls Matt aside and is legit campaigning for a rose. She keeps talking about how all lives matter Jasmine is cool but she’s cool too and Matt looks like he’d rather dress in drag again than have this conversation.

The second Matt escapes Christen, Jasmine steals him and holds him hostage for a heart-to-heart. She keeps talking about how Matt needs to relax, but also she hasn’t stopped talking about choking bitches this entire episode soooo.

LOL, I love that Matt would rather leave fucking Mexico than tell Jasmine he’s into someone else.

Christen is crying to Taylor about how her one shot at love has fled Paradise to get away from all of these clingy bitches. Taylor, the self-proclaimed psychologist, listens to her problems with about as much feeling in her eyes as a corpse. Like, if Christen didn’t feel judged before she sure fucking does now. 

Jasmine is so thirsty it’s hard to watch. She still has tears streaming down her face from bawling over one man when she tells Jack Stone he’s actually really hot. *slow claps for the thirst* Though, honestly, I can see Jasmine and the man most likely to wear your skin as a suit Jack Stone as a couple.

Then, just to hammer this “Jasmine and Christen are going after the same man” narrative home even further, Christen goes to talk to Jack Stone. 

Christen: I always go for sociopaths.

Jack Stone, While Plotting How He’s Going To Dismember Her Later: Hmm, interesting, tell me more about that.

Christen then immediately sucks face with Jack Stone. Honestly I kind of admire how little regard she has for her own life. I can relate.

And because ABC is vengeful bitch, the episode ends WITHOUT a rose ceremony but with Daniel strolling into the cocktail hour like he is the main fucking event. I can’t wait to see which girl is desperate enough to hitch her star rose prospects to Daniel’s wagon dick. *cough* LACEY *cough*

Read more: http://www.betches.com/bachelor-in-paradise-season-4-episode-5-recap

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