Media Fakery

7 Things No One Tells You About Having Your First Child

Get ready, expectant parents. Pretty soon, these are just going to be facts of life.

1. You start craving the open road: Dont be too surprised when you begin feeling the urge to pack your car with nothing more than a suitcase and a guitar, ready to see where that American highway takes you.

2. The doctor will ask you to give birth to him next: The polite response is simply No, thank you.

3. The more your child looks like Ken Burns, the more food Ken Burns will hunt and gather for them: This is just nature at work. Millions of years of evolution have programmed Ken Burns to expend his food-gathering energy proportionate to how much a child resembles him.

4. If youre going to make a crib out of a plastic bag filled with towels to hang from a doorknob, put some holes in it: You probably already know this, but heres a reminder.

5. Your baby will get the late-night yearnings for Spain: Just when you think your little one has settled down, shes yowling in the dark because its that Spain-thinking time, and your babys mind is in Mallorca.

6. If youve had a first child before, this will actually be your second: You may be pumped to get having your first child right this time, but look out: It could be number two.

7. John Olerud hit .363 in 1993: No matter how many books about child care you read, not a single one will tell you that the Toronto Blue Jays first baseman led the American League in batting average 23 years ago.

Read more: http://www.clickhole.com/article/7-things-no-one-tells-you-about-having-your-first–4480

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